Nathan and Maria
Nathan was married on Saturday to Maria. A ceremony completely devoid of hypocrisy wherein two families made every effort humanly possible to ensure their offspring would actually go through with the marriage; Maria’s father gave her away, and Nathan’s dad conducted the service.
At the practise run I did my best to lighten nerves by pretending I’d forgotten the rings, then I asked which pocket to keep them in. After being told that anywhere would do, as long as I actually did remember them, I reached down into my pants and pretended to pull them out. “Not there, Barry” Nathan’s dad wearily cautioned.
All in all it was a really great occasion, and one I’m happy and proud to have taken part in. I’ll instead post my speech (complete with notes!).
“(to Bridesmaids) Thanks for the intro. This speech won’t be too long. I can say enough in a very short amount of time to fully embarrass Nathan, and besides, people are waiting to eat.
Ladies and Gentlemen. It really is an honour to be standing in front of you today as Best”
(pause, turn page)
“Man to someone as special as… er… Nathan.
I must say that when he asked me, I was totally taken aback. I’d beaten Matt to the job. And I’d only been begging for the position since he’d met Maria. But now I’m standing here in front of you all, I feel nothing but pride. And a bit of pressure in my bladder.
Now, before I get into my detailed and, at times, cruel character assassination (shake head to Nathan. Nod to the crowd. Repeat ala Eddie Izzard) of my oldest and best friend, I just wanted to say a couple of serious things first. Nathan, you’re the best best friend any guy could ask for. Second, I sincerely hope that the two of you have the most wonderful happy and long life together, and I look forward to sharing with you its highs. Unfortunately I’ll be mysteriously uncontactable during any lows.
Me and Nathan have shared a great deal over the decade or so we’ve known each other, so I thought I’d reminisce about a couple of things. (pause) Out loud.
My first memory of Nathan is seeing him on the bus to high school. I knew he was in my class, so sat next to him and said “Hi”. (pause). Only to be greeted with “Oh, it’s you.”
But it took him no time at all to confide his deepest and darkest secrets, and to share some of his thoughts in our many deep and meaningful conversations.
Aside from marriage, Nathan has looked forward to being an old man. I think it’s the sitting on park benches and acting obnoxious to children he finds particularly appealing.
While in high school together, we both were accused of stealing a computer. Don’t worry – this anecdote doesn’t end in prison. Anyway, shortly before Nathan’s interview with the headmaster, we adorned his school bag with incriminating evidence. Apparently Nathan noticed the SWAG sign taped to his bag in time, though.
Nathan has also been known to ‘phone friends to let them know when he’s done a particularly impressive poo. (pause) I think the record was about a foot.
I wish I could tell you all about Nathan’s wild past and many conquests in love, but I’m trying to keep outrageous lies to a minimum. I’d like to thank Maria for being the best thing that’s ever happened to Nathan. She’s looked after him, kept him smiling, been there for him through thick and thin, taught him a few manners, improved his dress sense enormously, and most importantly, taken him off our hands at last.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the groom and his wonderful, beautiful bride.”
Applause follows. It’s always a successful speech when poo is involved.