A song for Dave
It would be a nice thing to write a song for Dave’s thirtieth birthday. Everyone likes songs. In a fit of inspiration I’d written a short song about innocent drinks back in 2007. This therefore meant that I was a bona fide song writing prodigy. Let’s get to work.
Dave is obsessed with robots and dinosaurs so naturally they seemed ideal topics for songs. And Nathan and I had already written a moving ballad about a tyrannosaurus’ lament to God regarding His wanton destruction of their species earlier in the year. I only remember the chorus:
Dinosaurs!
They are bigger than now
Dinosaurs!
Some were bigger than cows (some were smaller)
Awful. Seriously, B-Oyster and N-dog? What made you think it was a good idea to write songs at 3am after downing a bottle of Jack Daniel’s? It’s hardly the heartfelt opus it was intended as so let’s just put extinct animals as a whole on the back burner for now. What else does Dave like aside from robots, then? Maxibons and a certain time-travel trilogy from the 80s. Okay, go:
I like to watch Back to the Future
Sitting on the couch next to my mum
Don’t know if it’s nature or nurture
But she said I’ve got a pretty cute bumI turned and yelled “That’s way out of line!”
She looked hurt and I felt a bit mean
“And please stop calling me Calvin Klein!”
Then I left for good in my time machine
Unfortunately incest is perhaps not the ideal birthday topic. I hadn’t yet reached the verse about mother’s dubious uses for Nestlé’s delicious ice-cream based treats and hadn’t even begun to touch upon how Roomba would factor into the resulting mess. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I’d even want to. Let’s try to write a song more about Dave himself:
You’re getting older now; you’re growing up
Doesn’t mean you can’t drink wine from a cup
Avoid responsibility
Celebrate frivolity
Still watch too much childrens’ TV
Criticise it ironically
You can forever be
Dave Rickmann
Aw. Lovely. I secretly like the fact that this conclusion of the song boils down to me giving Dave, despite his advancing age, permission to continue to be himself. The verses were all flattering comparisons of Dave to other much more famous Daves and were all written with the assistance of Carmen, who supplied all the genuine musical talent.