cake in milk

Despite the heavy-handed religious analogies I’m a complete sucker for C.S. Lewis’ Narnia in all formats, including the 1980s BBC adaptations. Aged seven I gave a presentation to my class in school on how I’d converted my bedroom into a miniature Narnian vista. Strewn with white blankets representing snow and Lego versions of all the characters it was an impressive sight spoilt only by my poorly conceived idea to feature He-Man’s mount, Battle Cat, in the role of Aslan. However much I could put his massive relative size down to perspective there was simply no getting away from the fact that he’s a green tiger.

I have no issue with the screenplay or Andrew Adamson’s direction taking liberties with the source material, especially when it serves to make the film better paced, less of a Christian allegory, and more exciting. I don’t remember Aslan biting the Witch’s face off in the novel and I’m fine with the removal of thinly disguised anti-Muslim sentiment. If, like me, you have a rolling production line of cousins the DVD is an easy guaranteed Christmas treat.

An ex-girlfriend of mine is a big fan of realism in films. Suffice it to say that when I dragged her along to see The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe she liked it up until the children walked through the wardrobe. I, meanwhile, left the cinema wide-eyed and full of childlike wonder. I couldn’t wait to get home, gorge myself on Turkish Delight, and thoroughly investigate furniture under the guise of “tidying up.” Our differing opinions on the film’s actual quality were merely a contributory reason for our subsequent break-up.

Technorati Tags: christmas, den of geek, lego, narnia, religion, the lion the witch and the wardrobe

Every year without fail I produce a list divided into subsections (books, DVDs etc.) of ideas for Christmas gifts for myself. This is a list which has been in formation since the beginning of the year. Every time I spot something I’d like I’ll either buy it, or add it to the list. The list is then circulated around the family near Christmas. This year I went further and provided prices of the items complete with a suggested retail outlet.

I believe that this holds a great deal of benefits and is very economical. It saves people asking me over the ‘phone what I’d like and it saves them from buying me something I either don’t need, or already have. Saying that, I did receive three copies of Michael Crichton’s ‘Timeline’ last year. I’m a bit nervous though; this year I added to the Miscellaneous section of the list ‘A surprise’. Knowing me, I’ll receive three of the same.

Buying presents for other people is what I dislike. It’s not the cost, it’s the fact that they haven’t gone to the trouble of producing a nicely formatted Christmas list. I feel that whatever I’m going to buy them will simply be discarded with a sneer and mocking laugh. I can only buy stuff I think they will like. I asked my grandmother today what one of my Uncles may like.

“I think he’d like something humourous”

What, like a whoopee cushion? A pretend plastic dog turd? I encounter these problems every year without fail.

Here, however is what your pet dog has always wanted, this was culled by my Aunt from the Lytham St Anne’s Express…

“The RSPCA’s Longview Animal Centre held its Christmas open day on Sunday, when owners were invited to take their dogs to see Father Christmas. He is pictured with Christmas fairy Amy Shaw and former rescue dog Benji in his grotto at the animal home.”

Oh dear. This makes me feel so sad. Rushed off his arse every year because of the ever increasing child population, Father Christmas now has to deal with the inanity of delivering to pets as well. I stopped believing in Santa around the age of 11 perhaps, Benji in the picture there is about 4 I’d estimate – making him 28 in dog years. I bet all of Benji’s friends are laughing at him because their sane owners aren’t dumb enough to take them along. They’d probably already made their Christmas lists. Note the embarrassed look on Benji’s face. It almost seems as though he understands the humility.

I feel worse for the actor portraying old Saint Nick at the Animal Centre. Think of him describing his job to others.

“Yeah, I’m working this Christmas as Santa Claus…”
“Ahh, how sweet! Aren’t the little kiddies adorable?”
“Well, I’m the Father Christmas for dogs. Some are cute, others bite me.”

Imagine the agony this guy goes through questioning the dogs sat on his lap as to what they’d like for Christmas knowing that:

a) they’re unable to respond anyway
b) the dogs are looking at him with pity in their eyes

He must go home every day and weep at the pointlessness and sheer absurdity of his job.

So the moral of this tale is ‘make life easy on yourselves and others – make a Christmas list. Otherwise, if you’re a a dog you may be taken to see Santa and get laughed at by your canine friends.’ And also ‘Don’t get a stupid job.’

Technorati Tags: christmas, Lytham St Anne’s, presents, santa for dogs

Christmas is my favourite time of year; you get loads of gifts from relatives and get to have the once-yearly, ultra-special treat of Christmas cake in milk. Can you get better than that? I think not. Thankfully I haven’t yet reached the age when socks become a major component of my Christmas list – I can still enjoy the chocolate-based thrills of an advent calendar.

Today I received through the post my first of the year. Fitting in many ways because it’s the first day of December and I needed chocolate. This was not to be. The calendar wasn’t one of those ‘traditional’ ones which have merry pictures of robins and snowmen behind the little windows – instead it was one from sportingodds.com, an online betting company and every day reveals a new incentive to gamble on sports via their website.

I think it is perhaps the antithesis of what Christmas is all about. Although I’m not religious in the slightest, I think this is an atrocity. It goes totally against the idea of the festive Christmas spirit. It’s scandalous, sacrilegious, cheeky and thoughtless and I can’t believe that they thought it might even be a good idea.

Saying that, it is rather funny.

Take today, the first, as an example – I’m reminded that it’s racing at Newbury. No goodwill message from Santa, just a plug for their website. This ‘fun-packed’ calendar continues for the rest of the yuletide season leading to Christmas with similar sports-oriented offers. Tear back the festive cracker of the fourth – what’s this? Look Mummy, It’s Arsenal v. Juventus today! Can I have a bet? Please? Please? I peel back the Christmas cake of the 22nd to reveal…. racing at Ascot!

I think I’d prefer chocolate rather than some cynical ploy to get me wagering on sporting events I neither follow nor like in the slightest. Nevertheless it is an original idea and should be applauded for that. I can think of better variations though.

Open each day on the advent calendar to show… women in various states of undress. Perhaps in sexy low cut Miss Claus outfits. [Note to self: copyright this idea before FHM, Loaded or Maxim steal it.]

Pull back each door on the calendar to reveal… 24 different religious atrocities committed on each day throughout history. How ironic this would be.

Technorati Tags: christmas