It was the 31st of December and having tasted some of the best burgers in London in 2011, I decided to cap off the year by tasting some of the worst. Two friends and I would compare and contrast double cheeseburgers from each of the major UK high street burger outlets.

An afternoon of Googling led me to conclude that the only place with a Burger King, a Wimpy and a McDonalds within easy reach of one another was Croydon. Familiar territory made the project easier to consider - I’d visited the area earlier in the year when a friend had purchased a flat days before the riots gave Croydon its very own facelift.

There were several caveats to the scientific nature of our taste test; we couldn’t be guaranteed completely fresh burgers from any of the venues; the burgers, however standardised, would be subject to some influence by the cooks and we would attempt to disregard any of our own personal preferences as best we could.

Burger King Double Cheeseburger

 Cost: £3.29

 Energy: 485kcal
 Protein: 30g
 Fat: 26g (of which saturated fat, 11g)

This suprised us all by not having a toasted bun. Maybe it usually does? The bun was much more cakey than the others and Dave insisted that the sesame seeds added something to it, but I expected to enjoy this a lot more than I did.

I can’t think why fast-food restaurants feel a slogan is necessary, let alone one that’s about as fresh as their food. I’m not overly fond of ‘Have it Your Way’ with its passive aggressive undertones, but it’s definitely better than McDonalds’ self-aggrandising ‘I’m Lovin’ It,’ or Wimpy’s trite attempt at life-coaching, ‘Enjoy Every Moment.’

McDonalds Double Cheeseburger

 Cost: £1.39

 Energy: 440kcal
 Protein: 26g
 Fat: 23g (of which saturated fat, 12g)

Easily the cheapest of our three and, as can be seen from the cut-through below, the shortest burger too. 

For me, the thin patties are a small price to pay for the inclusion of mustard and the iconic pickle flavour. The McDonalds burger is remarkable in that it has the same texture all the way through. You can almost inhale it.

The burger has a very soft, very sweet bun. It’s like a sweaty lukewarm dessert.

Wimpy Double Cheese Burger

 Cost: £4.40

 Energy: 593kcal
 Protein: 39.3g
 Fat: 34.6g (of which saturated fat, 16.7g)

Is Wimpy a fast food restaurant or a café? No-one knows - their menu lists a ridiculous range of food from toasted teacakes to fish and chips. They’ve all apparently had a recent refit but the decor still screams mid-1980s. It’s a strange and unusual place - people I’ve spoken to about it have been surprised that it’s actually still in existence.

Furthermore, not content with the innuendo overload of their Bender in a Bun, Wimpy’s signature dessert - the ‘Brown Derby’ - sounds suspiciously like a sex act; an opinion only reinforced when you notice that it’s cream and chocolate squirted into a ring doughnut.

There was no pickle in this, but it’s the only one of our three to include shredded lettuce and tomato. Wimpy were a bit stingy on the cheese too; just one slice, despite their website listing two. This was the most expensive burger of the trio and perhaps the staff realise it’s overpriced; when I went to pay at the end of the meal the waitress apologised for the cost.

After individually rating the three burgers in order of preference, taking into account the cost, taste and texture, we totted up the scores to find that all three restaurants had scored exactly the same. What conclusions can we draw from this? Nothing. What had we accomplished in this endeavour? Nada. What have we learnt from this whole debacle? Zilch.

What an apt end to the year.