“She said yes!” came the first text, and further updates expanded upon the proposal under the palm tree by the sea… I crassly reminded Toby that rather than sending me these messages, they should be celebrating the engagement by “less texting, more sexing.” It says something that the next time I heard from them was after they’d landed back at Gatwick Airport.

Since I saw them together for the first time early last year I could tell they were a great couple. All of the annoyances, the little foibles that Toby had were met with a hearty “Lighten up,” from Louise. And he did; it was remarkable.

The ceremony was held at Butley Priory near Woodbridge in Suffolk. A fantastic venue completely isolated from the outside world. Organisation of the day by the staff was faultless, and even a bit of rain failed to have any negative impact. It was a glorious magical day from start to finish and I was honoured to play the role of Best Man alongside Greg, a teacher from Kirkley High who did a grand job of MC’ing. My speech went okay, marred only by mild heckling from the groom at points.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Barry. Hello. I met Toby in 1999 in the illustrious and hallowed lecture theatres of De Montfort University, or Leicester Polytechnic. We shared the fact that we came from Suffolk, we were born on February the 18^th, and we were both under the deluded impression that Leicester would be a nice place to spend three years of our lives.

It was quite early on in our friendship that Toby announced that he had a list of life goals, one of them being to be married before he was 30, so…  his birthday was in February… (waggle hand) I think he gets half points for that. But I think it’s only fair to Louise to mention that another of his life goals was to be divorced by 40.

Toby was the only person in our group of friends to go abroad for his placement year, to Ireland. We flew out to visit him for a couple days in late November of 2000 only to discover that he had developed an Australian accent. We never really did figure that one out. It was in Ireland too that he grew his big bushy ginger beard. We’ve never really figured that one out, either.

After University Toby and I were both unemployed for a time. We’d regularly travel to Norwich with a large pile of pre-printed CVs ready to hand to the agencies, and then celebrate our joblessness with a trip to the cinema and then to Pizza Hut to eat just platefuls of cherry tomatoes. I’m pleased to say that Toby’s record of 52 remains unbeaten. When I moved to London and found that I’d been replaced on these cinema trips with Louise I knew there must be something special about her.

By this time he’d moved into his dream position at the school of middle-management. From what I can gather his job entails demanding copious amounts of tea from his minions while colouring in various pointless graphs.

“Toby or not Toby…” is how I like to imagine he phrased the proposal. Everyone was over the moon to hear about the engagement. They’re perfect for each other.

And Lou has calmed Toby down a lot. We have plenty of affectionate nicknames for him – Toby Wan Kenobi, Tobeasaurus Rex, Tobelerone, The Tobemeister General, but when we joked that Toby was the Washington Sniper he actually threatened to sue for defamation of character.

Toby’s a lot more polite now too. Previously we’d visit his flat or, as it became known, the Tobeshack, to greeted with “When are you leaving?” Nowadays when his friends ask if he can come out to play it’s a much more believable “Sorry, I can’t, I’m helping Lou wash her hair”. That’s a reference to your balding, Toby.

As everyone undoubtedly knows, one of Toby’s great passions is for Norwich City Football Club. He’d happily bleat on for hours about their lack of progress. Now, with Louise in his life, he has this new, interesting source of conversation about a woman he adores who isn’t called Delia Smith.

So, to conclude, as someone who’s known both of them longer than they have known each other I feel it’s safe to say I have a pretty good handle on their relationship. Certainly moreso than either of them or close family members might. And in my honest and valued judgement their marriage will be… successful!

To Toby and Louise!

Technorati Tags: delia smith, kirkley high school, norwich city

At the practise run I did my best to lighten nerves by pretending I’d forgotten the rings, then I asked which pocket to keep them in. After being told that anywhere would do, as long as I actually did remember them, I reached down into my pants and pretended to pull them out. “Not there, Barry” Nathan’s dad wearily cautioned.

All in all it was a really great occasion, and one I’m happy and proud to have taken part in. I’ll instead post my speech (complete with notes!).

“(to Bridesmaids) Thanks for the intro. This speech won’t be too long. I can say enough in a very short amount of time to fully embarrass Nathan, and besides, people are waiting to eat.

Ladies and Gentlemen. It really is an honour to be standing in front of you today as Best”

(pause, turn page)

“Man to someone as special as… er… Nathan.

I must say that when he asked me, I was totally taken aback. I’d beaten Matt to the job. And I’d only been begging for the position since he’d met Maria. But now I’m standing here in front of you all, I feel nothing but pride. And a bit of pressure in my bladder.

Now, before I get into my detailed and, at times, cruel character assassination (shake head to Nathan. Nod to the crowd. Repeat ala Eddie Izzard) of my oldest and best friend, I just wanted to say a couple of serious things first. Nathan, you’re the best best friend any guy could ask for. Second, I sincerely hope that the two of you have the most wonderful happy and long life together, and I look forward to sharing with you its highs. Unfortunately I’ll be mysteriously uncontactable during any lows.

Me and Nathan have shared a great deal over the decade or so we’ve known each other, so I thought I’d reminisce about a couple of things. (pause) Out loud.

My first memory of Nathan is seeing him on the bus to high school. I knew he was in my class, so sat next to him and said “Hi”. (pause). Only to be greeted with “Oh, it’s you.”

But it took him no time at all to confide his deepest and darkest secrets, and to share some of his thoughts in our many deep and meaningful conversations.

Aside from marriage, Nathan has looked forward to being an old man. I think it’s the sitting on park benches and acting obnoxious to children he finds particularly appealing.

While in high school together, we both were accused of stealing a computer. Don’t worry – this anecdote doesn’t end in prison. Anyway, shortly before Nathan’s interview with the headmaster, we adorned his school bag with incriminating evidence. Apparently Nathan noticed the SWAG sign taped to his bag in time, though.

Nathan has also been known to ‘phone friends to let them know when he’s done a particularly impressive poo. (pause) I think the record was about a foot.

I wish I could tell you all about Nathan’s wild past and many conquests in love, but I’m trying to keep outrageous lies to a minimum. I’d like to thank Maria for being the best thing that’s ever happened to Nathan. She’s looked after him, kept him smiling, been there for him through thick and thin, taught him a few manners, improved his dress sense enormously, and most importantly, taken him off our hands at last.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the groom and his wonderful, beautiful bride.”

Applause follows. It’s always a successful speech when poo is involved.

Technorati Tags: best man speech, wedding