I received from a colleague at work a box of 480g Cadbury Heroes. Naturally I was delighted; I had asked for a PSP or a new Xbox 360, but I understand they’re hard to find. I forgave him. It’s Christmas.

I love the immediately identifiable, yet frustratingly hard to wrap box shape which Heroes shares with Celebrations and those Christmas stalwarts; Roses and Quality Street (you’ll notice I’ve put them in order of preference, with Nestlé bringing up the animal testing rear). So you can imagine unwrapping my present to find the reassuringly sexual purple packaging was, quite literally, orgasmic.

Anyway, my desire for those cheeky sweets diminished when I discovered the box was inferior to all the others I’ve experienced so far in my “life” (and I’m quite proud of the fact that I’ve experienced many. Definitely more than my fair share. Definitely).

The problem, Cadbury, was that there were but two (2) Picnics. I felt rejected, I felt appalled, I felt embarrassed, I felt perverse. In a box I’d casually estimate at holding 2,000 individually wrapped sweets, just two bore the colourful denotion of Picnic. Come on now, Cadbury, surely they’re more popular than Fudges? What kind of idiot needs 5 Fudges in a box? Fudge is rubbish and a bit gay.

So I’m wondering if we can do a trade. I’ll send you the 5 Fudges if you replace them with Picnics? How’s that? I’ll make the deal even sweeter (excuse the pun), and accept just 3 Picnics in return.

Now, I’m not going to cause a ruckus if I don’t get this deal. I’m not going to sit outside your offices with a box of Quality Street, shouting the lyrics to Perry Como’s “Magic Moments” at your employees with noisette triangle stains around my tainted Judas mouth. Not this time.

Yours hoping for a mutually beneficial outcome,

Barry

Technorati Tags: animal testing, celebrations, heroes, quality street, roses