Poker in the rear
Spurred on by my winnings at house games playing for pasta, I decided to up the ante and play poker for real. On the internet! My Uncle and his winnings are the most likely cause of my particular brand of poker ferver. Through some blackjack whoring I’d earnt enough to cope with a few games online, while also earning enough to pay for some lovely Christmas presents.
I’d decided to play in the Goon Series of Poker; a tournament arranged by a few members of the Something Awful Forums. The name of the game: No Limit Texas Hold’em. Considered by some to be the only pure form of the game, I was attracted mostly because I kind of knew the rules. I’m not a good player by any means; one of the main attractions of the game for me is coming up with a good poker nickname.
Mine had evolved from the initial alliteration fueled ‘Big Blind Barry Double Dealing Donovan’, to BBBDDD, from which naturally came ”Noise of a Retard”, which then was simplified to its current form: ”Barry the Noise”. Thus New Years Eve was spent playing against Nic the Wink, Bitter Dave, Sniper, Stormy Kill and TMR. You can work those out for yourselves.
8pm and the game kicks off. With 4 places paid, and a top prize of $75, I felt lucky. I fold the first few hands, despite my itchy fingers ready to go all-in. I get a headache. I win two big pots within a couple of hands and I type to Ian and Dave that I’m chip leader. They respond with Alan Partridge catchphrases. I know now that all I have to do is hold back and protect my chips and watch as the lesser players fall out. Matt Damon says in Rounders that your aim should be to win one big pot an hour. I knew what to do: take advice from a fictional character..
My trick is that when I get an ace, and some other card, Inevitably I lose and my brain denies all knowledge of ever having played the hand. My pot dwindles and I blame it on the blinds. At other times, I can match a single card on the flop and be convinced this will lead me to win the hand. My pot kept dropping. I suffered at the hands of my enemies Three of a Kind versus Two Pair. Other players cottoned on to my blind stealing tactics. Towards the end I knew I needed to win a sizable pot, else I’d get blinded out of the game.
I read once to play a pair of jacks like you would a pair of eights. Nothing special. My enemy of the game, RocketCity had already raised and it would be just us two in the hand. I… re-raise? Yep, a solid move there. Inevitably nothing comes up on the flop, turn or river, so I was out. 25th out of 34. But I’ve learnt something, and that’s the main thing. Don’t play poker. I will lose.